It is fun to make fun of lawyers isn't it? Not many people get the chance to do it, so I feel it necessary to introduce some stupidity direct from the courthouse. The following arguments were made on record and in a judicial setting. I think it is important I make that clear to everyone reading. These comments are not made up. If you research them, they will appear on real court records. Although
my other posts were not phony, it is just hard to believe that people of the
law are this funny.
Argument 1:
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
One word. Burn.
Argument 2:
Attorney: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July Fifteenth."
Attorney: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
Technically this person is correct, although that's probably not the answer the attorney would have wanted.
Argument 3:
Lawyer: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they also go up?"
No Mr. Lawyer man. The stairs only went down. Did this guy actually pass the Bar Exam? Or did he cheat off his classmate?
Argument 4:
Lawyer: "So the date of your baby's conception was August 18th?"
Witness: "Yes"
Lawyer: "And what were you doing at the time?"
No comment.
Argument 5:
Attorney: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well I can see pretty well, I think."
I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but I don't think that's what IQ means dude.
Sometimes lawyers don't even have to talk to witnesses in order to be funny. Here are a couple of quotes from lawyers giving some soliloquies.
Lawyer #1: "Your youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
Lawyer #2: "Were you alone, or by yourself?"
Lawyer #3: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Lawyer #4: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
Lawyer #5: "Now isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know it until the next morning?"
Lawyers are funny.
Quotes from "1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said" and "Rinkworks.com"
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Entry #4 Newspapers
Children say the darndest things. I have heard that saying a lot in my
lifetime. Sometimes, however, the adults can say things that are stupid as
well. (Just look at the past three blog entries.) This time I am not signaling
any one person out. I am calling out all newspaper companies in the US.
Newspapers are supposed to tell the truth about issues like politics, crime, and education. Most of them do. Others may do just the opposite. One prime example of this was the 1948 Chicago Daily Tribune which headlined "Dewey defeats Truman!" Dewey did not defeat Truman and photographers made sure everyone knew about it.
Although not all headlines are meaningful as the Truman incident, many headlines are worded poorly. The following are a few newspaper headlines that are worded so poorly, they are funny.
"Police Suspicious After Body Found in Graveyard"
"Include your Children when Baking Cookies"
"Drunks get Nine Months in Violin Case"
"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space"
"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
"Lawmen From Mexico Barbeque Guests"
The front-page headlines in a newspaper are not the only sections that are funny. "The funnies" of course, are funny. However, if you take a closer look on the ads in a newspaper, some of them are hilarious. Next time you get a newspaper, grab the classified ads. Some of them may be just as funny as these entries:
"Free Puppies. Part German Sheppard/Part Dog"
"Cows, Calves... also One Gay Bull for Sale"
"Full Size Mattress: 20 Year Warranty. Like New. Slight Urine Smell"
"Free: Farm Kittens. Ready to Eat."
"Free: One Can of Beans with a Purchase of a 3 Bedroom 2 Bath House"
"American Flag - 60 Stars - Pole Included"
"Fully Cooked, Boneless, Smoked Man - $2.09 a Pound"
You see? Nowadays, people do not read the newspaper. They get all their information off the internet or the television. But if you look really hard, the funniest things in life are where you least expect them. Next time you need a chuckle, look at your local newspaper and smile.
Quotes from "1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said"
Newspapers are supposed to tell the truth about issues like politics, crime, and education. Most of them do. Others may do just the opposite. One prime example of this was the 1948 Chicago Daily Tribune which headlined "Dewey defeats Truman!" Dewey did not defeat Truman and photographers made sure everyone knew about it.
Although not all headlines are meaningful as the Truman incident, many headlines are worded poorly. The following are a few newspaper headlines that are worded so poorly, they are funny.
"Police Suspicious After Body Found in Graveyard"
"Include your Children when Baking Cookies"
"Drunks get Nine Months in Violin Case"
"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space"
"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
"Lawmen From Mexico Barbeque Guests"
The front-page headlines in a newspaper are not the only sections that are funny. "The funnies" of course, are funny. However, if you take a closer look on the ads in a newspaper, some of them are hilarious. Next time you get a newspaper, grab the classified ads. Some of them may be just as funny as these entries:
"Free Puppies. Part German Sheppard/Part Dog"
"Cows, Calves... also One Gay Bull for Sale"
"Full Size Mattress: 20 Year Warranty. Like New. Slight Urine Smell"
"Free: Farm Kittens. Ready to Eat."
"Free: One Can of Beans with a Purchase of a 3 Bedroom 2 Bath House"
"American Flag - 60 Stars - Pole Included"
"Fully Cooked, Boneless, Smoked Man - $2.09 a Pound"
You see? Nowadays, people do not read the newspaper. They get all their information off the internet or the television. But if you look really hard, the funniest things in life are where you least expect them. Next time you need a chuckle, look at your local newspaper and smile.
Quotes from "1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said"
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Entry #3 Berra
I'm not saying that all sports figures are dumb. Some are smarter than the average person. However, there are those that I think barely passed high school. Yogi Berra might be one of those people. As a famous baseball player for the New York Yankees, it didn't matter what he said. He was making money. Although no one cared what he said, his words were still published.
You do not have to be a sports person to recognize what he is saying. You just have to know what stupid is. As Forrest Gump would say, "stupid is as stupid does." Yogi Berra is legendary for two reasons in my book. One, for his great baseball plaing ability. The other, for his stupidity.
Yogi's quotes about baseball:
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is mental."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
"You give 100 percent in the first half of a game. If that isn't enough, in the second half, you give what's left."
"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I just change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
Yogi's words of wisdom:
"You've gotta be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"If you can't imitate him, then don't copy him."
"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
"You should always go to other peoples' funerals. Otherwise, they won't come to yours."
Yogi's quotes that made me shake my head:
"He must have made that movie before he died."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"You better cut the pizza into four pieces, because I can't eat six."
"A nickle isn't worth a dime today."
"I take a two hour nap. From 1:00 to 4:00."
"I really didn't say everything I said."
Quotes from "1001 dumbest things every said".
You do not have to be a sports person to recognize what he is saying. You just have to know what stupid is. As Forrest Gump would say, "stupid is as stupid does." Yogi Berra is legendary for two reasons in my book. One, for his great baseball plaing ability. The other, for his stupidity.
Yogi's quotes about baseball:
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is mental."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
"You give 100 percent in the first half of a game. If that isn't enough, in the second half, you give what's left."
"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I just change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
Yogi's words of wisdom:
"You've gotta be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"If you can't imitate him, then don't copy him."
"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
"You should always go to other peoples' funerals. Otherwise, they won't come to yours."
Yogi's quotes that made me shake my head:
"He must have made that movie before he died."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"You better cut the pizza into four pieces, because I can't eat six."
"A nickle isn't worth a dime today."
"I take a two hour nap. From 1:00 to 4:00."
"I really didn't say everything I said."
Quotes from "1001 dumbest things every said".
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Entry #2 Nixon
Sticking with the theme of Presidents, I have decided to make my second
entry about one of the most unique Presidents of all time. Not only did he do
something illegal, he denied ever having anything to do with it. Ladies and
Gentlemen, I give you the 37th President of the United States, Richard Nixon.
When we think of the name Nixon, we generally think of his corruption and the Watergate scandal. What we don't always think of is the fact that he had a history of saying wrong things at wrong times. This is especially true when there is a tape-recorder nearby. Before getting into the humors about the Watergate scandal, I feel it necessary to share to you other sayings that he has made.
In 1970, Charles De Gualle, the President of France, died and a huge funeral service was held for him at Notre Dame Cathedral. President Nixon was invited to say a few words on the behalf of the French ruler. Thinking that he was going to say something sincere and nice to the French crowd, Nixon took the stage. Knowing that the President just died and that France was an ally of the US, Nixon said one of his famous quotes, "This is a great day for France." It was most certainly not a great day for France and that quote went down in the record books forever.
Going back to his presidency, Nixon felt it necessary to make a comment about the national government. He stipulated, "Sure, there are dishonest men in local government, but there are dishonest men in national government too." There sure are dishonest men in national government, Richard.
Back in 1923, the Teapot Dome scandal emerged and Nixon was just a young child. Talking to his mother, he said that he "[wanted] to be an honest lawyer, so things like [the Teapot Dome Scandal] can't happen." He did grow up to be a lawyer and no scandals happened, at least, until he was President.
The Watergate Hotel was built in 1965 as a hotel. Four other building attached to it and all served different purposes. Some served as hotels while others served as office buildings. One particular purpose was to house the Democratic National Convention in 1972. As history tells us, it was broken into and the conspirators were caught. Included in those conspirators was President Nixon. Amongst the denials that later ensued, Nixon had this to say:
"When the President does it, that means it's not illegal."
"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue."
"I would have made a good pope."
"I am not a crook."
"Voters quickly forget what a man says."
No, Mr. President, the voters never forget. It has been 41 years and no one has forgotten. Your corruption cost you the presidency and your lasting image on American society. But worst of all, it got you on a blog created by a 12th grader.
Quotes cited from "1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said"
When we think of the name Nixon, we generally think of his corruption and the Watergate scandal. What we don't always think of is the fact that he had a history of saying wrong things at wrong times. This is especially true when there is a tape-recorder nearby. Before getting into the humors about the Watergate scandal, I feel it necessary to share to you other sayings that he has made.
In 1970, Charles De Gualle, the President of France, died and a huge funeral service was held for him at Notre Dame Cathedral. President Nixon was invited to say a few words on the behalf of the French ruler. Thinking that he was going to say something sincere and nice to the French crowd, Nixon took the stage. Knowing that the President just died and that France was an ally of the US, Nixon said one of his famous quotes, "This is a great day for France." It was most certainly not a great day for France and that quote went down in the record books forever.
Going back to his presidency, Nixon felt it necessary to make a comment about the national government. He stipulated, "Sure, there are dishonest men in local government, but there are dishonest men in national government too." There sure are dishonest men in national government, Richard.
Back in 1923, the Teapot Dome scandal emerged and Nixon was just a young child. Talking to his mother, he said that he "[wanted] to be an honest lawyer, so things like [the Teapot Dome Scandal] can't happen." He did grow up to be a lawyer and no scandals happened, at least, until he was President.
The Watergate Hotel was built in 1965 as a hotel. Four other building attached to it and all served different purposes. Some served as hotels while others served as office buildings. One particular purpose was to house the Democratic National Convention in 1972. As history tells us, it was broken into and the conspirators were caught. Included in those conspirators was President Nixon. Amongst the denials that later ensued, Nixon had this to say:
"When the President does it, that means it's not illegal."
"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue."
"I would have made a good pope."
"I am not a crook."
"Voters quickly forget what a man says."
No, Mr. President, the voters never forget. It has been 41 years and no one has forgotten. Your corruption cost you the presidency and your lasting image on American society. But worst of all, it got you on a blog created by a 12th grader.
Quotes cited from "1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said"
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Entry # 1 Bush
Very few things in the world get people's attention. But there is one thing that everyone has to deal with, no matter how hard you try to ignore it. That's right, I'm talking about politics. Politics, the cornerstone of modern civilization, is the reason for everyday living. Many of those in politics belong in Washington, but a few don't. I'm not saying anything about how people run our country. I will be the first to tell you that politics is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning. Living in this era, however, I grew up with one political figure always in the news, good or bad. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about George W. Bush.
I chose Bush to be the first person to blog about for several reasons, but one reason in particular. In class, we have been talking all year about brevity. Brevity is the ability to say very little, but have a large impact. George W. Bush, the forty-third president of the United States, however, has become infamous for his ability to spend a lot of time saying very little.
There are many nuggets of wisdom to George, there just not intellectual nuggets. They are more like corn dog nuggets than nuggets of wisdom. Not much is said of him from birth to election, but when he got into the oval office, he opened his mouth and everyone heard him.
Here are a few of his most famous quotes about different matters:
On Social Security:
"Down in Washington, their playing with Social Security like it's a government program."
"My opponent seems to think that Social Security is a government program. I believe that money is yours and you should be able to invest in it yourself."
On War:
" The reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war!"
On Electronics:
"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"
On History:
"The holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century"
"That's a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th. This is the first chapter of the 21st."
"I think we can agree; the past is over."
"The future will be better tomorrow"
On Education:
"You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
"If we don't succeed, then we run the risk of failure."
George W. Bush was our nation's leader for 8 years. Most of those quotes came from his tenure in office. Although those are just a few of his best quotes, I'm sure that more of them are out there. I leave you with the words of George Bush himself, "I stand by all the misstatements I've made."
Quotes cited from wolaver.org and "1001 dumbest things ever said"
I chose Bush to be the first person to blog about for several reasons, but one reason in particular. In class, we have been talking all year about brevity. Brevity is the ability to say very little, but have a large impact. George W. Bush, the forty-third president of the United States, however, has become infamous for his ability to spend a lot of time saying very little.
There are many nuggets of wisdom to George, there just not intellectual nuggets. They are more like corn dog nuggets than nuggets of wisdom. Not much is said of him from birth to election, but when he got into the oval office, he opened his mouth and everyone heard him.
Here are a few of his most famous quotes about different matters:
On Social Security:
"Down in Washington, their playing with Social Security like it's a government program."
"My opponent seems to think that Social Security is a government program. I believe that money is yours and you should be able to invest in it yourself."
On War:
" The reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war!"
On Electronics:
"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"
On History:
"The holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century"
"That's a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th. This is the first chapter of the 21st."
"I think we can agree; the past is over."
"The future will be better tomorrow"
On Education:
"You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
"If we don't succeed, then we run the risk of failure."
George W. Bush was our nation's leader for 8 years. Most of those quotes came from his tenure in office. Although those are just a few of his best quotes, I'm sure that more of them are out there. I leave you with the words of George Bush himself, "I stand by all the misstatements I've made."
Quotes cited from wolaver.org and "1001 dumbest things ever said"
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