Entry #10 Students

I have run out of ideas. No, really, I have. I have nothing more to say about what people say any more. This is my last blog post and it is really going to suck if I can't find something to say. Pardon my language, but I am really trying here. Usually, I have my book of funny quotes open and in front of me to share with you, but I have run out of pages. The book is closed and with it, my ideas. I guess I could talk a little more about teachers at my school. That one seemed to be popular. Unfortunately, none of my other teachers are really funny. As I look around my desk, filled to the brim with textbooks, homework from four months ago, and well, other junk, I can't help but think of myself as a pig.

As I think about pigs, my mind wanders off on a tangent and starts to think about bacon. That got me thinking about what a friend of mine said earlier in the week. He said,

"Screw Government, I've got bacon."

I laughed hard at that one. It was just so random. I couldn't take it. Then I got to thinking, what if I made my last blog entry about other students at my school. I knew it would work. I am proud of myself for thinking about it. Earlier in the week, I got out my journal and started writing notes about what people said to each other, whether it was in the classroom, in the hall, or at lunch. You may not have noticed, but I was listening.

So call me a creeper, but I did this for you people, my fans, my dozen or so fans that actually read my blog instead of skimming through it to find the funny stuff. That's right I'm talking to you. But you don’t know that because you're only reading the funny stuff. So instead of keeping you reading, I give you funny things that my classmates said this past week.

"I've got an idea for a party, wet tee-shirt contest" 

"I believe the internet over everything."

"If that jar of pennies breaks, I'm sure Spencer will come running, wherever he is."

"The sky is peeing on my face."

"Wiscansin."

"What are the names of the months? January, February, March, April, May, June, July, October, November..."

"What letter comes after X?"
"W."

I'm sorry that my blog has come to an end, but I really have to go now. I'm glad so many of you enjoyed it. I love you all so much that I will leave you with my favorite quote of all time, said by the most brilliant author of all time.

"'Ho Ho Ho' said the Easter Bunny."

Quotes from my classmates and myself.

Entry #9 Love

What do kids really think about love? Have you ever asked them? Some survey decided to do just that. They took kids, ranging from 5 to 10 years of age, and asked them what it would be like to be in love. These quotes are extremely funny, and spoiler alert, they don't care for love that much. As we grow older, our viewpoints change, but it's still funny to look back and see what we were like at one point.

Again, these viewpoints are from little children and in no way does it affect my position on love. I just chose a few of these quotes because they made me laugh. I hope that they will do the same to you.

Question: In your opinion, what do you think of love?

Answers:

1. "Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
2. "Love is the most important thing in the world. But baseball is pretty good too."
3. "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm gonna find me a wife."
4. "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough for a second date."

Question: How do you feel about kissing?

Answers:

1."It's never OK to kiss a boy, they always slobber all over you."
2. "If nobody sees [me], I'll be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
3. The law says you have to be eighteen, so I don't want to mess with that."

Question: How do people in love act?

Answers:

1. "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
2. "They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
3. "See if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."

Question: How do you make a person fall in love with you?

Answers:
1. "Tell them you own a bunch of candy stores."
2. "Shake your hips and hope for the best"
3. "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there."

Question: When is the best age to get married?

Answers:
1. Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then. 
2. "No age is a good age to get married at. You have to be a fool to get married."

Question: What do your mom and dad have in common?

Answer: "Both don't want no more kids."

Kids think they know everything about anything. I know. I was the same way when I was young. However, my views on love were the same then as they are now. It's up to you if you think it's good or bad.

Quotes from "rinkworks.com"

Entry #8 Teacher

This entry is all about the teachers, well, one teacher in particular. Some of what he/she says might not be appropriate and therefore, I have deleted his/her name from my blog. A few of you know who this person is and I ask you politely to keep the name of this teacher anonymous.

Teachers are supposed to teach their students about the subject they mastered in. Whether it is math, English, history, or science, all teachers are mentors that their students look up to. Sometimes they give important life lessons as well. This week I took notes in a particular class. These notes, however, were not on the subject being taught, but on what the teacher said to the class. Some of the quotes, nevertheless, did not make it onto this blog due to circumstances beyond my control. This is due to the graphic content of the quotes themselves. Anyways, without further adieu, I give you quotes from my teacher.

"These are revolutionary solids. Solids that revolve around the x-axis. Not to be confused with solids starting a coo."

"There's a soft spart in my hot."

Teacher: "I'm not supposed to love what you guys love."
Student: "So you don't love 'My Little Pony'?"
Teacher: "Well, I didn't say that."

"I'm watching my girlish figure."

"Does everything go immediately to drugs with you?"

"Mind Explosion! I just exploded your fragile little minds. Now I have to use a chisel to scrape your brains off the back wall."

"The AP test writers? They're big, horrible, terrible people that suck."

"You just change what you do, cause I have a degree; I have accomplished something in my life."

"Well I can't play basketball, so I have one other option... teaching."

"Here's my hypotenuse. Get 'Hyp"

"What do you call someone who is close but wrong? Wrong."

Again, there are more quotes from this teacher, but due to the content, I have refused to share them with you. And again, I don't want to see this teacher get in any trouble so I don't want anybody to comment his/her name.

Quotes from a certain teacher I will not mention.

Entry #7 Facebook

Facebook is an online site that allows people to talk to friends, update people on their lives, and a lot of other cool stuff. Facebook was intended to make sure that people who knew each other could keep up and know what everyone is up to. Now it is mostly about people venting about various news stories. Fortunately, for me, I have friends who not only do this, but also write funny comments. It took a while, and a lot of scrolling, but I was able to come up with a list of some of the more humorous posts from the last couple of days from my friends. Now I don't want anyone to get upset on what I am about to write, so I will not reveal the names of any of the comments I will share. Privacy is my number one priority. Sometimes.

"Do I dare disturb the universe?"

"Pun #2 Did you see the fog? I mist it."

"My mother is of the opinion that cake does not constitute a full meal . . . and we're supposed to be related?"

"Got late to the language induction ceremony. I didn't get to do my speech but I still got my cake! [Heck] Yaaaa"

"Pun #1 Want to hear a joke about Pizza? Never mind, it's too cheesy."

"Well it's not safe outside anymore. Darn inchworms are back."

"Well - performed my required tri-monthly Facebook update! Be back in July . . . "

"Pollen, you've indubitably won the battle today. However, I shall be back, and with a bottle of allergy pills in my hand."

"My red car is officially green from pollen. Gross."

"Apparently 3am is the best time to do homework because I am knocking this out of the park."

 "I can't sleep since yesterday. I even tried during classes. It did not work."

I have a few weird friends on Facebook. But without these friends, I would have nothing to talk about on my blog. This post would be boring if I just chose quotes that nobody wants to read. I'm sure there are more quotes out there, but I didn't want to go overboard. Until next week, I'll be seeing you.

Quotes from "Facebook"

Entry #6 Youngman

Henny Youngman is a very funny comedian. When he got on stage, you know you were going to be prepared to laugh. He tickled everybody’s funny bones. Without him, the world might have gone insane. Henry Youngman is probably most popular for his hilarious one timers. One of his best is the famous "Take my wife... Please." joke.  He started his career as a violinist and became part of an orchestra. His skills could have taken him far but he decided to quit and become an actor. After failing as an actor, he stuck to what he did best, comedy.

I might be boring you by giving you biographical information, but there is a method to my madness. Well not really, so I'm going to put my fingers on the keyboard and type what you really came to read, funny quotes. Here are some of Henny Youngman's best quotes.

"The patient says 'doctor, it hurts when I do this.'
The doctor replies, 'then don't do that.'"

"The doctor says to the patient, 'take off your clothes and stick your tongue out the window.'
'What will that do?' asked the patient.
'I'm mad at my neighbor.'"

"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."

"Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, one to Los Angeles, and one to Miami.'
She said, 'we can't do that sir.'
I told her, 'Well you did it last week.'"

"Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did."

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

"If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving."

From doctor jokes to wife jokes, Henny Youngman is one of the kings of comedy. Until next time, I'll be logging off.

Quotes from "1001 funniest things ever said" and brainyquote.com

 

Entry #5 Lawyers

It is fun to make fun of lawyers isn't it? Not many people get the chance to do it, so I feel it necessary to introduce some stupidity direct from the courthouse. The following arguments were made on record and in a judicial setting. I think it is important I make that clear to everyone reading. These comments are not made up. If you research them, they will appear on real court records. Although my other posts were not phony, it is just hard to believe that people of the law are this funny.

Argument 1:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

One word. Burn.

Argument 2:

Attorney: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July Fifteenth."
Attorney: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Technically this person is correct, although that's probably not the answer the attorney would have wanted.

Argument 3:

Lawyer: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they also go up?" 

No Mr. Lawyer man. The stairs only went down. Did this guy actually pass the Bar Exam? Or did he cheat off his classmate?

Argument 4:

Lawyer: "So the date of your baby's conception was August 18th?"
Witness: "Yes"
Lawyer: "And what were you doing at the time?"

No comment.

Argument 5:

Attorney: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well I can see pretty well, I think."

I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but I don't think that's what IQ means dude.

Sometimes lawyers don't even have to talk to witnesses in order to be funny. Here are a couple of quotes from lawyers giving some soliloquies.

Lawyer #1: "Your youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
Lawyer #2: "Were you alone, or by yourself?"
Lawyer #3: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Lawyer #4: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
Lawyer #5: "Now isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know it until the next morning?"

Lawyers are funny.

Quotes from "1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said" and "Rinkworks.com"

Entry #4 Newspapers

Children say the darndest things. I have heard that saying a lot in my lifetime. Sometimes, however, the adults can say things that are stupid as well. (Just look at the past three blog entries.) This time I am not signaling any one person out. I am calling out all newspaper companies in the US.

Newspapers are supposed to tell the truth about issues like politics, crime, and education. Most of them do. Others may do just the opposite. One prime example of this was the 1948 Chicago Daily Tribune which headlined "Dewey defeats Truman!" Dewey did not defeat Truman and photographers made sure everyone knew about it.

Although not all headlines are meaningful as the Truman incident, many headlines are worded poorly. The following are a few newspaper headlines that are worded so poorly, they are funny.

"Police Suspicious After Body Found in Graveyard"
"Include your Children when Baking Cookies"
"Drunks get Nine Months in Violin Case"
"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space"
"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
"Lawmen From Mexico Barbeque Guests"

The front-page headlines in a newspaper are not the only sections that are funny. "The funnies" of course, are funny. However, if you take a closer look on the ads in a newspaper, some of them are hilarious. Next time you get a newspaper, grab the classified ads. Some of them may be just as funny as these entries:

"Free Puppies. Part German Sheppard/Part Dog"
"Cows, Calves... also One Gay Bull for Sale"
"Full Size Mattress: 20 Year Warranty. Like New. Slight Urine Smell"
"Free: Farm Kittens. Ready to Eat."
"Free: One Can of Beans with a Purchase of a 3 Bedroom 2 Bath House"  
"American Flag - 60 Stars - Pole Included"
"Fully Cooked, Boneless, Smoked Man - $2.09 a Pound"

You see? Nowadays, people do not read the newspaper. They get all their information off the internet or the television. But if you look really hard, the funniest things in life are where you least expect them. Next time you need a chuckle, look at your local newspaper and smile.

Quotes from "1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said"